Archive for August, 2011

My heart, My rules

I feel silly that I thought of us being on the same page, that every word was meant for each other and it was up for the universe to tell us that we meant every word we said.

I feel alone whenever I think of you when I need someone to comfort me, hold my hands and tell me the world is still pretty amazing. I am not alone. And I should not think of you as someone who belongs to me or I, as someone who belongs to you.

I’ve broken my rules many times in exchange for short intervals of conversations that make me smile. And maybe feeling silly now is the price I have to pay for claiming something that’s not mine in the first place.

There’s one part of my life where I live by the rules and not the exceptions. But somehow when it comes to you, I always end up forgetting the rules. But I remember them now. I remember why they are made and set. They are meant to protect me, to protect my heart and make me realize that something as wonderful as what I’ve prayed for could not feel this way.

Because if it were true, it will not make me wait or guess or feel like everything is a game of hide and seek or pride. I’ve prayed from my heart for this wonderful thing to happen. And I don’t believe that God will answer me with uncertainties or doubt.



I realized I did not want to be just like everybody else in your life or a random thought. My heart cannot take that and my heart needs more than that.

Silly Girl

I am a silly girl. But please don’t let me be, tonight. Don’t make me realize this is total foolishness. That I allowed myself to be foolish. That I wasted time and energy on this…on you.

I’ve tossed and turned and finally bumped my head. I am wide awake now.

“Well you too have power over me, and may injure me; yet I dare not show you where I am vulnerable, lest faithful and friendly as you are, you should transfix me at once. “

(Mr. Fairfax Rochester to Jane Eyre, from the novel Jane Eyre:Charlotte Bronte)


Today, tomorrow, someday…

(from my iPod, written: June 30, 2011)


I cannot count how many times I’ve dreamt of you holding my hands

A thousand, a million times…

Praying those are the hands

that would hold mine forever.

I cannot imagine when happily ever after would begin

Today, tomorrow, someday…

Wishing all great and beautiful things

are all for real.

(from my iPod, written: August 3, 2011)


I’m crazy to hope that I am the miracle of your day–the pause or the sigh that come before your smile. This is crazy and impossible so let me sleep now so when I wake up I have a better sense of reality.

Gigi’s Happy Ending

“Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.

But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave.

And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.”

(Gigi, excerpts from the movie He’s Just Not That Into You)

I knew from the start that this is not the story I hope for and you are not my Knight in shining armor, so help me not only to forget but to also keep my heart from recognizing you every time loneliness sets in. I don’t want you to be my source of happiness when I don’t have the right to ask for it from you.

Stay away. Don’t come any closer, anymore.

The Cure

I just realized when you try to forget everything–the worries, the stress, the sadness and the emptiness, you can find yourself happy and contented. It’s not fair to sulk in misery just because you feel tired of waiting for the answers. Maybe if you’re waiting for something as beautiful and wonderful as what you have been praying for, you are really meant to wait this way.

It’s not fair to expect someone to continually shower you with affection just because he makes you happy that way, when deep inside you know that you can’t love someone other than the person you imagined him to be.

Do not ask for something you cannot give in return. Do not ask people to love you if you know you might just hurt them in the end.

These Monday blues will never be over because no matter what we do it will always come to make us feel that the world is changing and evolving. The cure is not someone or something–the cure is just the realization that things are great everyday and you should look at it that way.

April Fools

Let thy heart be a fool, but only tonight

Let thy lips smile even for a while

Let me find love but not in the shadows of the light


Let thy eyes set not on the perfect ones

Let thy hands fit perfectly with mine

Let me not be alone for as long as this time


Let thy love steal me tonight

Let it keep me for as long as it lasts

Let this be the desires of both our hearts


…so I can rest and sleep and dream endlessly tonight.