(written: July 22, 2005)

I just realized that healing a broken heart out of love is easier compared to healing a broken heart out of misery.  I have been in that state for too long or maybe it’s just because I’m not used to holding joy longer and tighter in my heart.  Or maybe I was holding on to it too tight and it slipped away. 

I don’t know.  I don’t know what to do and what not to do anymore.  Suddenly my own rules are losing their values.  Suddenly the freedom that I used to have is becoming secondary to everything that is important to them.

 I don’t know why I am here.  Maybe because I’m meant to see this world or maybe I needed whatever I’m getting from it.  But what about wanting it?  Loving it?  Enjoying it?  Is that part of being human?—forgetting all about the essential things that really matter because we have to survive this challenging world that we’re living in?

Yes.  We are surviving.  The physical body lives on because it’s getting most of the nourishment that it needs. But the soul is slowly dying every time the body gets stronger.

What makes us live longer and happier? Is it this body made of blood and flesh or the soul made of heart and spirit?

I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. And I’m not sure If I still want to know.