(written: June 22, 2005)

I hate realizing that I am just like any other girl not for anything, but because I’ve always thought that my singlehood means that I am way tougher than them.  Whenever people tell me that I should get a boyfriend, I always tell them that there are many girls out there who would desperately need one and I don’t want to steal them the chances.
Me—I am the girl who never runs after a cute guy or someone who goes crazy. Whenever I meet an interesting person I always try hard not to fall or even feel anything that would lead to falling for that person.  So it’s official I am no guy-magnet.  Coz even if they come close they won’t get any chance.  (Not because I think of myself as some goddess or whatever, who’s not worthy for anyone.  I’m just not into these things.)
It is my defense mechanism. I always try to determine my potential enemies and in this case, love and romance will definitely qualify.  I stay away from them simply because when they’re around I turn into an ordinary silly person.  Want proofs?


Case # 001

Guy:  So…ok lang bang lumabas tayo minsan?  Hang-out lang.

Me: (In my head: Ha? What does he mean? Kami lang dalawa or with other people?)

Me: (Kinakabahan! Nagpa-panic!!) May boyfriend na ko eh! (Why did I say that!)
Guy: (Smile, sighs)

Me: (Better come up with a name and all the details…walked away…feeling like crap!) Uy wait lang ha may tatawagan lang ako.



Case # 002

Me: (Alone in the room, sleepy, ZZzs, cute guy approaching)

Me: (Tried to look busy so picked up the newspaper, pretending that I was reading it)

Guy: Uy!  ngayon yan?

Me: (Reading but not actually getting anything from it) Oo naman.  Ang alam ko.

Me: (Turned the page to the frontpage)

Me: (Oh, My gosh! kahapon pa to!)

Me: (Screaming in my head, “Crap! I feel stupid again.)

Guy: (Didn’t mind so extra pogi points)
…after a few minutes
Me: (silence…not saying anything.)


…after a minutes
Me: (Close to becoming amute now.)

Guy: (Still looking so cute and all.)

Me: (Can’t take it anymore!)

Me: (Walked away!  Crap!)


Case # 003
ME:  (holding a black mug)

Guy:  “Miss ok lang ang dami ko kasing dala.”  (Referring to the mugs that he had to fill up with ice)

Me:  O sige ok lang. (Ang cute! Sige mauna ka na)
Guy: Miss ako na..(getting my mug) kasi pinaghintay naman kita. Ang tagal ko.

Me: Ha?  Hindi ako na lang.  Ok lang.

Guy:  Ako na…

Me: Ok lang ako na lang.

Guy:  Sure ka? Ako na…ok lang.

Me: (Damned!) Ako na!  I can do it on my own.  I’m just gonna put ice on my  mug.  Hindi naman mahirap to!

Me: (You’re not gonna get me with that! huh…!)

Guy:  walked away (still looking cute)

Me: (Shit! Why did I have to say that? Why can’t I just give the darn mug! I turned into my usual self again!)


So are you convinced that I am not really the best person for these kinds of magic moments?  I totally suck at these things!  All the time!

Sometimes I think that I am actually doing these things on purpose.  I never liked rejection but I find it even harder to accept compliments (Especially from a guy).  I don’t want to recognize moments like these when this neurotic, psycho person turn into ordinary stupid girl.

I am not ordinary.  I refuse to admit that love (or attraction) can sweep me off my feet or fly me to the moon. I want my feet on the ground, where reality lies.  And pain is just a step behind. 

I keep my enemies closer. I recognize love and romance but I will not ever let them near enough to hurt me.