(written: Jun 1, 2009)

Is it a sin? To be happy? Is it crazy? To think there is something else beyond the words and glances? These days can’t be real. I can’t be thinking of this whatever every single time.

Arggh…stop this non-sense! Do I really mean that? I’m not sure. I’m scared of crossing this one-way street. I’m scared to learn that I’m the only one heading in this direction that’s why every smile scares me, every laughter feels like something I shouldn’t be giving out. If these are just deception let it end. If I’m just convincing myself that I’m happy let me be real. I don’t want to convince myself to hope and then let myself down in the end.

If this is deception, let it end. I found the answer to my question–it’s lonelier to hope and fail than continue hoping for the real thing alone. I am not pessimistic. I am just guarding my heart, so let it end if it’s not real.