(written: July 21, 2006)

They said that when you’re dying your entire life flashes back along with the things and people that you love the most. If you only experience this in near-death experiences then this must qualify as one.

The ‘before-and-after’, the ‘what-could-have-been’ and ‘what-could-have-not-been,’ they are all haunting me but they never came in a flash or flickered.  It stayed and lingered for a moment to hurt and torture me, that I wished I also had the option of living and dying because I did not know if I wanted to hold on to the pride and joy or if I wanted to let go.

They are slowly retreating and I’m not even sure if they are still coming back. Should I wait for them in the same place or maybe chase after them somewhere else? If this is free will then it is definitely hard to be given the chance to have it. 

Free will is an illusion it may be true but it’s somewhere far, somewhere not beyond anyone’s reach.  Free will is never a freedom of choice as long as you are bound to the consequences and responsibilities that come with it.