(written: May 19, 2009)

Shouldn’t this be easy? Light? Happy?

Or these are not the case when you’re the only one feeling easy, light and happy? I am feeling anxious again today because of these stupid whatever at the pit of my stomach. Whatever! I don’t want to think of it. But I feel anxious every single time…keeps wondering every bit of moment. I am turning into a crazy person and I don’t want to be.

I don’t want to lose sense of reasoning or logic or is it the other way around—am I using it too much? Am I over-interpreting every single bit of movement and words, and over-analyzing the situation? Why can’t I just stand still, just let everything goes through its normal course?

Is this the normal course of things? Should things really be done this way? I hate it. And at this point I just want to start hoping that this will end.

But I am not sure which is worse—feeling this or not having any feelings at all? I’m not sure which one would make one’s heart lonelier. Am I just settling for this? Is this the case? Because this is the closest thing to my romantic ideals? I said I didn’t want to settle to what’s the closest or what could be easy to get…is that wrong? I don’t want to settle. I don’t want to think that this is the start of something that I have been hoping for because it’s really becoming a hard work. Where is the light and easy and happy feeling that I have been waiting for?

I don’t know which is worse. Ending this or starting from scratch and pretend that this has not happened at all.

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