Archive for August, 2011


Unfamiliar

I was afraid to say it again so I kept myself silent for a while.

I closed my eyes and hid the pains in sighs hoping this too shall pass.

I didn’t wanna admit that I’ve finally felt it.

Because it was a name I never knew before.

I still need someone to help me confirm.

Could this be true?

Is this finally Failure?

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I hope you do not continue to be a vague representation of my perfect imagination.

I hope that these dreams are not dreams that will never meant to be.

I hope one day in a perfectly imperfect moment, you set your eyes on me.

And I hope I see you.

And I hope at that moment I’ll know.

I hate forcing a smile.

Saying I’m fine when I’m not.

Holding on to these things that burn my heart.

I want to wake up to a day with hope.

When i no longer have to please to survive.

So I’m free to laugh, to cry and to love.

It’s nobody’s job to make me happy so at the end of the day i just have to have the courage to wipe my own tears and find a happy place where I can be alone.

I never thought I wanted a simple life. Ever since I graduated I envisioned myself in the middle of a war–war in the media room or in the advertising world-wearing my stilettos and corporate attire. I even fear that world, thinking I might run out of words or ideas if I had to stay too long.

Today, I am craving for it! I am dreaming of a world where things make sense, where ideas turn into realities and words transcend to every human being.

I miss the times when I dream of the real dreams I used to have. I never thought I would dream of a simple life, because I’m too tired living in my world today. I can’t live in a world where minds are crushed into dust and ideas are dictated.

My mind has always been mine and it has always been free to think of things that can change the world for the better. How did I get to this point? How did I get tired of thinking I should do something better with life.

(written: July 27, 2011)

I know I have been carrying this ball of darkness for some time but like the last 24 hours I had been awake, I always thought that light will eventually come, even if I don’t close my eyes.

It is certain. It is a fact. It’s just a matter of waiting for the sunrise.

Five, Ten, twenty…suns have risen. I have been thankful for each and every one of them. Not only because I lived to live another day but also because I gained more light to dispel the darkness in my soul.

Each day I open my eyes the darkness becomes clearer until it eventually became an inevitable part of my life, a constant agent to let me know I have reached a certain point I never dared to climb.

I didn’t want to live my life that way—being in a situation I did not choose, living a day with hope that tomorrow is something different, setting aside small chances of joy for survival, for practicality and letting this darkness eat me bit by bit.

I fear for my hopes, for my dreams, for the gentle, happy, endearing part of my soul that I cherish and care for. I did not want this darkness to grow, eventually become a monster and cease my opportunities to shine.

Help.
Help me close my eyes and see the light so tomorrow when the moment comes that I had to open them, there will only be clarity on the path that I need to take.

(written: May 1, 2011)

Have you ever had one of those moments when you feel like you’ve said something that drove people away? It doesn’t happen to me that often, but it happens more than once. Whenever I talk about…

1. Career: There was one time when I was really pissed at work and needed a shock absorber. I got carried away from talking about all the *shit* at work. It lasted for about a week but then someone had to slap me in the face to bring me back to reality. But the slap I think came in too late. Fine! I get it! Who would want to listen to someone about their cranky antics about work? Guilty as charged! At least you can apply as HR next time so you’ll get paid for listening to cranky employees.

2. Women empowerment: I always thought my principles would be the most attractive thing about me. Even when I don’t mean it, I ended up including it in every part of the conversation. Darn! Did I have to talk about women empowerment when he was just getting me a chair! And I must admit, it hurts to stand for a long time in stilettos! But I just had to be stubborn or ok I admit it arrogant sometimes.

3. Good Manners: I guess I’m a good student! I’ve always had good grades in GMRC and Values Education. So when people ask me during Job Application what position I’m applying for. I answered, “Why are you asking? It’s not proper to ask.” Heck! I’m sure he doesn’t want to know that but just wanted to start a conversation. I’m sure he’s not guy #1 who took my advice and worked for HR! But I just had to be so freakin snobbish! (Slap on the face).

4. Finding the right one: Well I thought they’d always want to know how I see the guy I would want to spend the rest of life with. But this is 100% accurate. Whenever I try to talk about love in my hopeless romantic tone and dreamy eyes, they always seem to run away. Do I sound desperate? Clearly not! I hope not! Or maybe I just sound crazy or impossible.

A guy in the Lifestyle Channel always gives tips on what to not say on first dates. Tough Love was the name of the show. The title is very accurate! Tough, because it’s always hard to keep ‘yourself’ from ‘yourself.’ It’s Tough to always have to be cautious about things that are natural to you. Tough that they’re telling you, you have to be someone else to find Love.

I’d say it’s all SHIT! If staying true, speaking up and being myself are what drives the possibilities of finding ‘The One’ away then it’s never gonna happen. I’ll always care about my career. I’ll always wear my principle like a badge. I’ll always value character and will always be dreamy and hopeful about finding that one true love. If they scare you away, then I won’t be sad knowing you are the one.

(written: March 28, 2011)

I have broken the chains that confined me in a box a long time ago and I was not about to plunge back in just because other people told me so. I am not just one thing; I am more than how you see me and how I see myself. I am the sums and differences of all that I’ve done and have not. Do not summarize my life or my purpose or my dream.

***

I need a break. That’s all I know and that’s all I want to think of at the moment. I hate hating everyone, because it kills most good things in me. I know myself. I do not deserve any of this. If it makes you feel bad all the time, it’s not worth it. I deserve beautiful things, I deserve to dream, and I deserve happiness.

I thought I had to rationalize everything. But it all became easier when I listened to my heart.

(written: March 9, 2011)

Crazy, silly, unforgivable feelings! As promised, I am pulling my own hair and shaking my brains out hoping I can stay away from the gripping temporary emptiness or happiness? Whatever this is that I can’t keep myself from running after—despite the inner struggles and despite the known and accepted impossibilities. (Notes, Feb 21)

(written: March 9, 2011)

Because I’m lost once again…but not ready to admit that, that smile is the only thing that would make the day bright. (Erk! I sound FUNNY!)

Yes it is funny! And everyday it starts becoming funnier. I don’t know why we wish for it. I feel a little bit foolish so I’ll back off from these silly feelings for a while. If I ever act silly or flirt under these circumstances again, I shall pull my own hair. (Notes, Feb 7)

(written: Feb 10, 2011)

…And I picked myself up and started jotting down phrases buried in my chest. Surprisingly, I felt better. Today was good.  NO! Actually today was great. (I just realized this was a phrase in the job aid I wrote last night.) And just like what I tell others, it should be this way at all times. Not good. But GREAT!

Right after college, I thought my writing could only be inspired by rants, bad days at work and quarter-life crisis. So I started slowing down. I realized it wasn’t any different from cranky political commentaries or bad news report that I wanted to stay away from. So when was my last piece? –I couldn’t remember.

That’s how bad the situation was. There was really nothing great to write about. So that’s how bad my writing has turned out as well. I used to adore words, and keep them like my own precious jewels. But for a long time, they remained hidden in boxes until I felt they no longer deserve to be concealed.

And this day came; writing is no longer a therapy but an inspiration when words turn into rays of hope and of dreams that tomorrow will be great, or even greater!  No deadlines, no shortcuts so the words just came flowing in. (Notes, Feb 5)