Sigh—deep, heavy, quiet sighs, if permitted wants to be and needs to be a loud, whimpering cry for help. I never wanted to feel like a victim but every time I get these indescribable, uncategorized feelings at the pit of my stomach I want to cry out loud for rescue, to get me out of the situation and to stop the miserable feelings.

But it only gets more miserable whenever I feel that I needed you to save me but I don’t have the right to ask. I don’t have the courage to ask or even start. I have built an image of you in my head where you are the hero and I am the damsel in distress. I think part of the hardship in asking is the fear that you are not the character I expected you to be and I fear mostly becoming the damsel in distress because I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be my own savior who will not require a man or love to save me from this misery.

I have never been emotionally unstable to the point of needing medications despite what I’ve been through in life. I thank the Lord above, my family, my writing, my resilient heart and my eternal desire to save my brother and sister from any form of misery–they all saved me from destitution and expensive anti-depressant. 

But sometimes, I imagine how liberating it is to just feel and sulk in misery and break out in enormous, loud cries and repetitive sobbing just to lighten up our hearts from all the heavy feelings.

I’m sorry Dear God, for copying the coping mechanism of the more desperate souls who are probably in deeper pain. I did not want to rejoice in their misery and I did not want to be put in that situation. I am simply trying to look for a way to relieve my heart from these feelings that will not make me even more miserable and will only require few minutes or hours of weakness.