Dear God,

Is this the answer? Or is this the moment I forgot to wait patiently again? I have so many questions and there are too many uncertainties. One moment I was laughing and one moment I was rationalizing things. I don’t have any assurance. I don’t have any proofs–just this sudden feeling of celebration that will later on be followed by doubts, sadness and then endless confusion and longing for answers. And then I’d feel cheated, stupid, led on like some women in the movies who always fall hopelessly with the wrong person.

Whenever I pray for it. I always tell You, that I hope I decide with my mind and my heart. I hope I decide like a thinking woman inlove–lucid, sensible, incandescently happy. I hope I prove to the world that not all women go stupidly crazy over love.

If this is not the answer. If I were not his answer either. Let this atleast end in friendship.

So please…

Don’t make me feel that I have to fight all these, that I allow myself to feel this way against my better judgement.I know that I am prone to delusions but I’d like to believe these are all beyond that.

Please don’t make me guess or make me feel silly everytime my heart skips at your simple ‘hi.’ Please don’t make me feel that this is a moment in between or just for the meantime. My heart can’t last another game of hide and seek. Please don’t hide in pronouns and phrases.

Don’t make me feel this way. Don’t make me ask my mind not to fight my heart. My mind is my comrade and I do not want to fight this battle without her. If all these feelings are not intended for me, then let me stop claiming them. Don’t make my world a little bit better and happier if my reasons were all just delusions.

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