I barely slept last night…I could not remember not thinking…my heart beat so fast like I was in some kind of horror movie—scared and all I wanted was to run away as fast as I could.

I clasped my pillow tight, hoping that pressing it against my chest will give comfort and will stop my heart from beating too fast. I could not breathe—I wanted to scream or cry…or run—anything just to help me get over this phase.

I did not want to think that I am hurting because I wanted to convince myself that everything was nothing but illusions from my part. Because that’s what my mind tells me. And I wanted to think that my mind is right. But whenever you cross my mind—every minute of every day my heart starts feeling heavy, like it’s going to burst from too much sadness and happiness, things I could not explain or rationalize, that it makes me feel crazy, crushed, silly, happy, all together.

I wanted to cry just to let everything out. But I don’t want to give you the right to make me cry. You are not the reason. You can never be the reason.

I am the only reason for these feelings. I am the culprit because I let my heart take everything that the moments presented. I allowed a part of me to believe from time to time that the feelings were mutual.

Every second I spend trying to know just keeps me from letting go—despite your apathy, distance and inconsistencies.

I am so tired. My heart is so tired from guessing. And God knows how I struggle everyday trying to fight all these feelings.

Oh dear God…how can I be so stubborn. How can I claim feelings that were not meant for me? How can this heart be so recklessly pursuant of something I’m not even sure existed? And why am I hesitating to let go.

Dear God, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry if I didn’t hear You when You told me this is not the right time, and this might not be the right person. Sorry I wanted it too bad that I forgot that I promised I’ll be patient while waiting for Your answer to my prayer. I’m sorry I hurt myself for being so reckless.

Today, I pray again to You. Please guard my heart.