Archive for November, 2011


Total Eclipse of My Heart

Delusions, confusions, hesitations, frustrations…

Joy, doubt, pain, anger, apathy…

I am sick of my own false romanticism and I am sick of my own heart sometimes. I am tired of making sense of everything and more of thinking everything should not have to make sense.

Why do I have to paint a beautiful picture? Like it was some kind of epic love story that can be told through time. It is not. It never was.

There are no words left unspoken. If you didn’t say what I wanted to hear, it wasn’t because you were not brave enough. It was because you have nothing to say. There were no unrequited feelings because it was really just apathy from the start. There was nothing to give up and no one to let go. There was no us. You never really wanted me to be a part of your life from the start.

There was no tragedy, drama or heroic act. Just plain and simple truth–you did not have the same feelings and you are not the person my heart remembers.

This is much more comforting, less heart-breaking to realize. I’ll leave it all at that.

Currently Playing: The Story of Us (Taylor Swift)

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Stop and Stare

I was sitting there—in a room full of thousands of people, intoxicated with the music that surrounds me and all I can think about is you holding my hand while the perfect song talks about how we found each other.

Our similarities are comforting—how we like almost the same songs, same movies, same books and same people. Finding you is like finding a piece of me that I somehow lost in my journey. And finally being with you, here, by my side ends all the pain and exhaustion I’ve gone through life. You holding my hand this way, filling up the spaces between my fingers, feel like finally putting all the pieces together—a puzzle completed.

Our conversation proves a great friendship—the one where I can call you my comrade or my enemy. I like that when I fail to prove a point in a discussion I don’t feel defeated. I just feel understood. Like how a friend appreciates all sides of me. I like that I never have to win every argument—that’s what I do with most people, to prove that I am right. With you I just simply speak my mind, no fear of being right or wrong.

So how can you stand there, oblivious of everything? Or pretending not to know everything that existed between the two of us?

What would you do if I stand next to you?

Would you hold my hand, say that you missed me and assure me that today is the start of our great days together?

Currently playing: Stop and Stare (One Republic)

I would have loved you if you let me

if you weren’t too afraid of yourself or of happiness

if you were not too hesitant to let me know how you feel

 

I would have never let go of your hands

if you were not too quick to let go of mine

if you were not running away everytime I take a step closer

 

I would have never hidden you in prose and phrases

I would have shout your name to the world and how happy we would have become.

 

(my heart sorely misses you…)

The Grinch

It’s amazing how you turn all things bright and beautiful about my day into something old and decaying. You make me sick! But I’m glad I can manage my emotion better now. There’s so much that my boiling temper wants to say and do to you but I will not succumb. I will not stoop that low or bow down to the kind of game that you play.

How I long to let you know that you are the only reason I drag myself to work everyday. I dread feeling these worst feelings because I despise them and they tear down my heart. I do not want them to even exist in my system. I do not welcome the negativities you give me. I do not want them or you in my career.

But somehow I am thankful. I consider you as an accident that only made me stronger. Because of you I learned to ask for patience and humility. Because of you I learned to depend on God more, during those difficult times. Because of you I started despising hate in my system.

Stop.

Please this time, slow down.

Please this time, make him only a part of your happiness and not the only source.

Please this time, fall with wisdom and not just fall hard.

Please this time, pray and not just hope.

Please this time, love yourself while you love him.

Please this time, be right.

I have grown so weary so most of the time I am not even sure if I’m doing something wrong or doing things right. If I’m overdoing things or not doing enough. If I’m becoming needy or totally detached. I do not want to go crazy so I’ll just follow my instincts and pray to God that I’m doing the right thing and praying for the right one.

Thank you for the sweet smiles and butterflies! 🙂

Alone again

It hurts

more than you know

more than I know.

 

The biting loneliness

that tears me apart

grow, silently, involuntarily inside my heart

 

The quiet tears

I try to keep

flows, gradually, painfully within my veins

 

 A sigh, a sob then choke

I realized once again

I’m alone.

 

It hurts

more than you know

more than I know.

 

I just had to say it

more than once

Once again.