Category: My Old Soul


As promised

(written: March 9, 2011)

Crazy, silly, unforgivable feelings! As promised, I am pulling my own hair and shaking my brains out hoping I can stay away from the gripping temporary emptiness or happiness? Whatever this is that I can’t keep myself from running after—despite the inner struggles and despite the known and accepted impossibilities. (Notes, Feb 21)

(written: March 9, 2011)

Because I’m lost once again…but not ready to admit that, that smile is the only thing that would make the day bright. (Erk! I sound FUNNY!)

Yes it is funny! And everyday it starts becoming funnier. I don’t know why we wish for it. I feel a little bit foolish so I’ll back off from these silly feelings for a while. If I ever act silly or flirt under these circumstances again, I shall pull my own hair. (Notes, Feb 7)

(written: Feb 10, 2011)

…And I picked myself up and started jotting down phrases buried in my chest. Surprisingly, I felt better. Today was good.  NO! Actually today was great. (I just realized this was a phrase in the job aid I wrote last night.) And just like what I tell others, it should be this way at all times. Not good. But GREAT!

Right after college, I thought my writing could only be inspired by rants, bad days at work and quarter-life crisis. So I started slowing down. I realized it wasn’t any different from cranky political commentaries or bad news report that I wanted to stay away from. So when was my last piece? –I couldn’t remember.

That’s how bad the situation was. There was really nothing great to write about. So that’s how bad my writing has turned out as well. I used to adore words, and keep them like my own precious jewels. But for a long time, they remained hidden in boxes until I felt they no longer deserve to be concealed.

And this day came; writing is no longer a therapy but an inspiration when words turn into rays of hope and of dreams that tomorrow will be great, or even greater!  No deadlines, no shortcuts so the words just came flowing in. (Notes, Feb 5)

(written: August 13, 2011)

I hope it was a choice and I had control when to start and when to stop. I have never been honest until this day when I finally felt the sadness I never knew I had.

It felt too much, to wish for this kind of love. It even felt ambitious, to find a perfect match. I feel like running lost in a stormy night, trying to survive when all I really wanted is to see the man of my dreams stand next to a light post, holding an umbrella.

I did not want to believe that this is the only thing that makes life complete. But when I reflected, this fallacy just became a realization. Coz whenever sadness grips me, love is the only cure I want.

There was a point when I prayed so hard. But I think He never believed me because deep inside I never believed as well that a dream as perfect as what I prayed for could come true.

Even today, I hesitated to pray for it. I did not think it’s fair to pray for it when I can pray for someone else’s dream to come true. I did not think of it as important. I shoved it in my thought because I felt that this love can always wait and will always be there.

But I am wrong. It can’t wait. Because the heart grows tired of waiting, love blurs out and emptiness takes away the life.

Dear God, help me find that one true love. Dear God, help me live each day as a step towards him so that I can find him. I don’t want to waste time alone anymore, when I can spend it with someone who can hold my hand forever.

(written: Apr 28, 2010 )

I hate forcing a smile.

Saying I’m fine when I’m not.

Holding on to these things that burn my heart.

 

I want to wake up to a day with hope,

When I no longer have to please to survive.

So I’m free to laugh, to cry and to love.

 

I hope you do not continue to be a vague representation of my perfect imagination.

I hope that the dreams are not dreams that are never meant to be.

I hope one day in a perfectly imperfect moment, you set your eyes on me.

 

And I hope I see you.

And I hope at that moment I’ll know.

(written: Mar 5, 2010)

I know I should be thankful. But loyalty to self comes first. When there is no more space to grow and when you stop learning where else can you go? When you ran out of reasons to look forward to another day, do you stay just because there are no other options?

Life does not owe us anything. But if we work hard, pray hard and believe in the magic, the universe conspires to make you understand and to help you get back on track and bring hope so you can dream again.

We never run out of options. Sometimes we just close our eyes and stop looking. Opportunities, miracles and dream-come-true do not present themselves. We work for it-blood and sweat; we wish for it-heart and soul. They do not come to just anyone. They come to those who deserve.

Happy songs and wise mantra do not take out the aching feeling…the longing for that one great change and answers to your what if’s. If we don’t take a step forward, if we don’t start acting now, if we don’t try to love ourselves we’ll always end up lonely, discontented and mediocre.

Loyalty to self comes first. Loyalty to your own learning, happiness and growth. Life does not owe us anything and we don’t owe anything to life. Life just happens. It’s up to us to start living it the best way we can.

(written: Dec 18, 2009)

I am not afraid of solitude, I treasure it. It gives us time to reflect, to know who we are and see if we still like the person we’re becoming. I am more afraid of emptiness, of not having something worthy to look back on, of the realization that the seeds you planted did not grow to become trees.

I am not afraid of failure. When someone wins, someone has got to lose. Stars don’t always have to shine in my sky. I am more afraid of mediocrity, of not building anything that I can be proud of and of settling to what’s given and easy.

I am not afraid of moving on. I dream about it everyday. I am more afraid of letting go, of ending things and leaving people. I am afraid of the moments that only turn into memories and not wanting to look back.

(written: Oct 8, 2009)

Should we be thankful when we cross dark alleys because it teaches us to see through the darkness and find our way back to the light?

Should we be thankful for the heavy rain because it teaches us how to survive in the cold and learn how to seek help from others?

Should we be thankful that we meet people who break our hearts because they help us become strong and eventually lead us to finding true love?

At what point are we allowed to vent, curse, and shout to the world that we are tired, that we are alone and our hearts are crushed, all together?

Does the world even allow us to feel this way? Can we have one moment of noise instead of silence to let everything out? Because you are just so tired of being silent and keeping it all inside for the longest time.

We were born free but at the same time brought up to think that we should think about other people’s welfare

…to think of others before yourself

…that sadness and happiness exist in the same world

…that we try to be noble every single day but the world is not always fair to us

 

How can we truly be free if it’s not always easy to follow one’s heart? If that is the answer to happiness and contentment then why do we try our very best to fight it every single time it gives us an answer?

Why do we think we need to suffer to realize that we are worthy of it.

I need a chance to shout. I need time to let it all out. I need my moment of noise. Now.

(written: Aug 18, 2009)

How do we break the monotony of life when this monotony defines how you survive each day? I always try to convince myself that starting the week with a smile and positive outlook will make everything alright. But every now and then, in this another monotonous day I still find myself dragging my two feet to the ‘start’ and hoping for the fastest possible conclusion of each day.

These two feet that used to dance in the rain and fight battles on the street. My feet that brought me to great places and allowed me to meet great people and made my younger years exciting, worthy, fun, colorful…

I hoped for the same future before and now hoping for a present like that or someday in this case.

(written: Aug 11, 2009)

How do you know when to stop?

When you start to realize he is becoming a regular part of your world? When thinking of him becomes a habit or more so a necessity, like brushing your teeth or going to work?

When you suddenly feel that you are already building a relationship with him in your head-not the intimate relationship you wanted or hoped for but that relationship of someone hoping to have a real relationship with a person but just until the point of hoping and she knows it.

It’s crazy. This is crazy…to have this world within my world, to have to live in this world and to want to live in this world because there is no pain yet. It’s crazy to enjoy the moments even though you know you never wanted those moments to be between you and him, to be happy seeing that smile, even though you don’t want to keep it yours forever, and to feel ecstatic that he exists in a world near yours.

I know it’s crazy, but is it also wrong? How do I stop? How do I know when to stop?