Category: 2006


Post-birthday blues

(written: January 17, 2006)

How do you explain something you don’t understand?

How do you heal something when you don’t even know where the pain is coming from?

How do you long for somebody if you know deep in your hearts that you haven’t even met? How do you dream of a future you fear so much?

How do you hate someone you’ve known all your life?

How could you hate yourself?

(written: February 02, 2006)

It was wrong to depend your happiness on someone It was wrong to look for love just to ease your loneliness But I hope it wasn’t wrong to believe that you were the first person who believed in me…

(written: February 21, 2006)

I hate people who pretend that they are ‘anti.’  Women who exert an effort just to avoid wearing mini skirt and pink not because they don’t want to wear them but because they claim that wearing them means being too girlish therefore looking weak. 

Most of the women I know who wanted to look tough or strong or smart do it the ‘man way.’ They smoke, they drink, and they listen to rock music. Like going with the flow will earn them a reputation of a man—fearless and tough. 

They are imprisoning themselves inside the world of man.  Limiting their choices with the boundaries and standards set by the people who are not like they are.

Don’t tell me you wanted to be free. Don’t tell me you wanted the world to be equal. When all along, all you wanted, is to be like a man.  Because you believe that they are the only ones who are strong and superior.  Because inside your head you are still a slave of the conservative thinking imposed upon you by the old patriarchal society.

Open your eyes.  You are beautiful! You are strong and you are smart!  Not because you can drive fast, not because you can smoke a cigar better than a man, not because you claim that you are not like any other woman in the planet. 

Every woman has her own beauty.  You cannot see it just by looking in the mirror.  It is inside every one of us.  We are beautiful and we are strong just as a woman. You don’t have to pretend that you are a man.

(written: March 02, 2006)

I am happy that I was born at this time.  Because I never have to experience persuading or begging a man to marry me in order to alleviate my social status.  If I had been born during the time of Elizabeth Benet, I would die as an old maid living in an old shack with my parents from hunger and pride.

Isn’t poverty more bearable than unhappiness and compromising your own ideals and principles?  A lot of times we are deceived by the things that are not as important as intellect, character, spontaneity and manners.  I was once advised by an uncle to try to have a relationship with just the next suitor that will come my way.  He said I wouldn’t find a rich and handsome man at this time considering my status and appearance.  It was of course a joke.  But if you think about it, it was subtle way of saying I’m not beautiful and I shouldn’t wait for a prince to come my way. 

Of course I just smiled.

I wanted to reassure him that it would never happen, because this lady never wanted to marry a Prince.  I don’t really care about wealth or the physical appearance of a person.  It tells little of how a person would be 10 years after the marriage.  It doesn’t guarantee me of happy days and endless laughter.  I am not a princess so I never dreamed of having a prince.

I am ordinary and waiting for someone just as ordinary as me.  Someone I could talk to, laugh with and share my dreams of how the world should be.

(So why won’t an ordinary Mr. Darcy just fly here, where I am. )

(written: April 29, 2006)

I don’t know why I ended up violating my own rules.  I vowed never to care for any new person or stranger in my life and promised never to expect more than companionship and mere existence in the same world.

Why?—because it is inevitable.  People will disappoint and hurt you no matter how you respect and care for them.  I can never dictate how they should feel and definitely how they should look at me. 

I don’t expect anything in return. I ended up violating my rules for apathy and I blame myself for the pain that it had caused.

***

I won’t beg for anyone to respect me.  I demand it. Respect me.  Because I deserve it in every way and for all the reasons that I could think of.

Respect me. If you can’t, then it is better not to let me let you in, in my world.

***

We all have the right to freedom but someone’s rights end when he steps into mine and others.  If we live by our own rules and disregard other people’s values, then we might as well live on our own.

***

Friendship is not about using people at our advantage.  It is about allowing ourselves to become better people because we’ve known that there are people who are different from us. 

***

I handle things emotionally.  That’s how I am.  That’s who I am.  Every little thing that makes up my life involves my emotions.  I deal with things through my heart but that doesn’t mean I am weak and stupid.  

***

Disappointments caused me pain and not anger.

(written: July 12, 2006)

Maybe there are just times when we are not contented with just believing and convincing ourselves.

Maybe sometimes waiting tires us out and leave us doubting for the future.

Maybe there’s a point in our lives when we need something real and certain that we can hold in our hands in order to convince us to go on with life and to keep on believing that it is indeed worth it to wait.

Like water in the dessert and sun during storm, maybe we are fooling ourselves when we said that we believe in waiting for the impossible.

(written: July 21, 2006)

They said that when you’re dying your entire life flashes back along with the things and people that you love the most. If you only experience this in near-death experiences then this must qualify as one.

The ‘before-and-after’, the ‘what-could-have-been’ and ‘what-could-have-not-been,’ they are all haunting me but they never came in a flash or flickered.  It stayed and lingered for a moment to hurt and torture me, that I wished I also had the option of living and dying because I did not know if I wanted to hold on to the pride and joy or if I wanted to let go.

They are slowly retreating and I’m not even sure if they are still coming back. Should I wait for them in the same place or maybe chase after them somewhere else? If this is free will then it is definitely hard to be given the chance to have it. 

Free will is an illusion it may be true but it’s somewhere far, somewhere not beyond anyone’s reach.  Free will is never a freedom of choice as long as you are bound to the consequences and responsibilities that come with it.

Q&A

((written: July 24, 2006)

(Question)

What could be worse than drinking alcohol all weekend?

(Answer)

Watching TV and DVDs for 48 hours and resting to listen to sad songs and read old journals.

(Explanation)

No.  I did not break up with a guy nor did I fall in love with someone who could not love me back.  Not all girls break down for those reasons.  I have worse reasons. 

I do not know how long I stayed awake or if I even slept.  The things that are happening to me are just hurting me so much and I can’t even deal with them the right way.  I tried stealing the coping mechanism of those who broke their hearts coz it’s easier and it’s the only way I could let it all out.

STOP

(written: August 05, 2006)

Stop! Don’t talk to me. Don’t even enter my mind and most importantly don’t enter my life. Because sooner or later I’ll disappoint you and you’ll disappoint me so let’s not cross that line that separates us—the line that separates those who could and could not. 

Let’s not even contemplate on the possibility of tomorrow. I don’t want to be alone but I also don’t want to get hurt.

(written: August 05, 2006)

Too much happiness, too much pain, too much sadness and too much hope—I feel like I carry a bomb in my heart that will explode anytime. There’s too much of everything and I am tired. 

I don’t want to talk, don’t want to write, and don’t want to listen to anyone.  I don’t want your advice; I don’t need your compassion.  I just want to rest, I just want to live in my merry wonder land where things are perfect and too much is not both good and bad. 

At this moment I just want to look at the world like it’s the perfect creation of my imagination and dreams. Where everything is perfect even you and me.