Category: 2008


Our everyday existence

(written: Jul 6, 2008)

Every day, we always try to figure out who we are, what we really want and who we really want to be with.  But every day, instead of finding answers to our endless questions, we find ourselves even more confused, more troubled by the future and by the answers that will soon be discovered.

Every day, I ride the bus with one thing in mind—another day at the office; another day to add into the story of my life, hopefully another day that I will not regret ever having. Hopefully another day that will help me figure out where my life is leading to.

Every day I wait for you to show up, in the middle of the rain, along the busy streets or in the four corners of the elevator. But every day, I find myself waiting again and again not really knowing whom I expect to find and when it will find me.

Every day is a chance to change our lives. Every day is a chance to make the way we live the different from the last day and every other next day.  Every day is a chance to make a choice—whether to stay or go, where life will lead you and whether it’s worth it to continue waiting.

Advertisements

(written: Jun 13, 2008)

At one point you just know when someone is not the right one for you. Is it wrong to keep their hopes up just because we needed someone to talk to today, or just because they are the easiest person to ask for a coffee?

I think it is wrong and I just learned that today. I can’t keep talking to this person if I really don’t feel anything for him.  As much as I just want another friend or person to talk to, it’s just not the same on his part and I knew that but I keep washing my hands that there’s nothing wrong with what I’m doing.   

That’s why I don’t answer when others ask me if I have a boyfriend. It’s awkward, because the moment you answer no, they would take it as a “yes” to something else. I mean why can’t one person be interested with another but just as a friend or companion? Two people can’t just go out on a date just because they’d like to talk.  That even if they did go out to just talk there will always be something in the air that says it’s more than just two people getting coffee.

Women and men are not just made for one another to become wives and husbands, girlfriends and boyfriends. Some people just want to be friends or enemies. Some people just like to be together not for romance, but for something else.

(written: Jun 13, 2008)

Have you ever felt that you want to be alone…sometimes? Just to check if you still know yourself. And to verify if the person you see everyday in the mirror is still who you are.

I do—I want to be alone. To talk to myself, to just simply say hello, stare hard and take a mental picture of every inch of who I see.  Because I’ll never know, maybe I might change tomorrow or the next day.  I want to remember who I am today and in every single day that I live.  Because everyday, different people take different parts of me with them. Some people give it back with so much more in return and some people just break me into pieces…taking parts of me that I can never get back.

I am bits and pieces, glued together by people who remain to understand and love me.  There are parts of me that some people have broken, but I remain whole, a person that shattered into pieces but was never destroyed. 

I want to be alone to put myself together and to feel that my dreams are still with me. I want to be alone to see myself outside of myself so I can learn from the pain other people inflicted on me and to learn from my own mistakes.

Solitude is bliss. It allows us to feel the moment and know ourselves a bit more. It allows us to cry without judgment, pain and anger.  It allows us to go back into the past or dream of the future.  It allows us to believe in everything.  It allows us to understand ourselves more and the world we live in.

I’ll be alone today, even for just a second. Alone so I can be with myself, a moment with the only person whose heart I listen to and believe in.

(written: May 16, 2008)

Here it is again—the most awaited weekend of my life in a week. Sometimes life revolves around waiting for weekends, having breakfast with friends, karaoke days and shopping. Even if you want to turn it into dinner dates and out of towns, it’s just not possible.

But I’m surprised because I am happy. I actually enjoyed my summer. I went to Bacolod, then to Boracay (on my own) and then horseback riding and trekking in Tagaytay and then finally out with the team in Batangas. Who says I have no social life? I have! I just don’t have a social life outside my circle. LOL. But I’m happy—I have a smile on my face. And I’ve collected moments that I can cherish.

(written: May 13, 2008)

There is certain irony in this world that sometimes hard to believe. I just met a UP graduate who at the same time is a Marcos Loyalist. I must say I have a bias when it comes to schools and I automatically like people who came from my university. So I liked her at first but then she started praising and adoring Marcos and his works and how a good leader he was. It was in a training entitled “Leadership Training for new supervisors,” and isn’t it ironic to bring up Marcos when this is the topic?

I don’t hate him and I don’t claim to know all that he had done in the country during Martial Law. But I guess I kind of live in the stories and memories of my professors. In their defense, this is far from brainwashing. I don’t know who can adore a person who caused too much pain, violence and hardship in people. Who can admire a person who caused the scar in a most beloved professor’s skull? I don’t need to know the entire story of the scar to understand what he went through during the Martial Law.

I love this person, along with the others who told good stories—not necessarily happy ones. But stories that I can learn from and stories that help me understand the world that I’m living in and how we live our lives today. I adore them like my heroes and I think their stories should be told everywhere instead of empty praises for a leader who inflicted pain the country.

(written: May 7, 2008)

I realized there are too many sudden joy and fleeting moments but when you look inside yourself you end up asking the same questions. You still don’t know where this road is leading to and where to find the one thing that you wanted the most—Happiness. But you just got used to living in the moment or should I say you got used to saying, I’ll be here for the mean time not realizing that you never really intended to leave. 

This might not be my passion but if I can be good at it, why not give it my best shot right? I just don’t want to lose the passion in me, the passion to write to discover to see and paint the world in my books. Is it wrong to say, I’ll be here for now and then I’ll come back to myself later, when everyone I love is happy, when love is just around the corner and I’ve stopped going around in circles, when it is the right time for it to love me.

I will stay here, wherever I am now. I know where I am so I am not lost. I know when to stay and when to leave…I’ll keep the fire in me burning and my spirit alive.

(written: May 6, 2008)

Sometimes I want to give up, succumb to loneliness, to solitude, to misery.  And then the sun would shine and will let me feel I am worth the magic and the enchantment and I would learn to hope again. I would start humming songs of lovers, of broken hearts and hopeless romantics. 

I would sleep with a smile on my face but always afraid that it’s the smile that goes away, the smile of someone tired of waiting and looking in all the wrong places.

Can I keep a lasting smile? Can I play the sweet tune endlessly? I am worthy so let me.

(written: Apr 18, 2008)

 First, it’s hard to be a woman, a woman in a patriarchal society—and even more to be a single woman in this same society. You are not allowed to show your feelings if you don’t want to look cheap and appear aggressive but you can’t hide it either or people would think you are too insecure and too plain.

Once you turn at this age, everyone thinks that you are just waiting for a man to sweep you off your feet, that when you take time to make yourself presentable to others—you are either looking or trying to keep a man.  Hell, I do it for myself! I do it because I want to feel good and make others think that I can rule the world because sometimes that’s what it takes.

This doesn’t mean that I am a man-hater or too proud to admit that I also need someone.  On the contrary I think my life would be better if I can find that one person, that not so perfect person but just about right. Someone who can respect and adore me the way all women should be.

There is a right time for everything, that’s what I think. Just like this trip.  And in life I think the magic just unfolds at the right time and it waits for the moment when you can already start believing. Most of us ask for it and always try to decipher what’s behind the magic thinking we are wise.

I stare at the sky, the waters and the clouds, these are all beautiful but I don’t know how they got here and how they were made.  But I don’t look at them any less than the beauty they provide the world. 

The world is perfectly made and works perfectly at the same time. Things take place when and where they should be.

The sun is almost setting and I am more than sure that tomorrow it will rise again because I’ve already started believing in its magic long time ago and because I am ready to unfold the magic. So let it come and enchant me!

(written: Apr 18, 2008)

Did I say I wanted a time off? How about a time off at the beach—to enjoy the sun, the sand, water and wind? This is what I’ve always wanted, go out and travel on my own.  And I am proud to say that I’ve done it. I took a plane, went on a ferry ride and enjoyed the view on my way to the famous Bora.

I left Bacolod around 6:15 am and boarded Ocean Jet on my way to Iloilo.  It took around an hour and a half to get there by water.  And then I took a cab that would take me to the bus going to Katiklan. And then the long journey started. 

Hmm…I don’t remember all the towns and barangays that I’ve passed by. But from what I can remember, I’ve passed by Dumarao, Passi, Capiz, Altavas, Ibajay, Kalibo and then finally Katiklan—it took around 8 hours I think to get here and pass by places I thought was too far for me to reach—well I thought wrong.

Today, and through this trip I realized that it’s really not impossible to reach your dreams and put your wishes into actions.

I dreamt of traveling alone in an unknown place and I did. The place may not be so unknown but I’m proud to say that I reached it on my own.  I found out that it’s not impossible if you can trust others. I trusted. I trusted all the people that I met on my way here and it felt good.  It felt good to talk to new people, do things that you’ve never done before (the good and harmless ones J )

I thought of enjoying the wind and the sand in the shore while writing an article just like this one, read a good book and listen to good music. I am doing it right now.  I am enjoying it right now. 

I always say that I am not a beach person because I can’t swim and I enjoy mountains and gardens better.  But now that I am here, I guess I am becoming one. I guess I want to be a beach person now. I may not have the swimming skills and the body (LOL) for it.  But I can see and feel that I fit in just about right, just how I want. 
I’ve wanted to go out here and bring my laptop and iPod, but hey not actually the ideal thing to do in a beach right?  But this is my thing. This is what I enjoy and love to do.  I’d rather stay here, lie around and enjoy my music. I guess I really am a writer. I may not be a writer who gets paid but I am a writer at heart who gets more than money from writing what I feel.

I love it and I love doing it here by the beach.  Now all I want right here is a cold drink (I should have bought one before I started writing because now I can’t stop).

(written: Feb 29, 2008)

I miss myself so much—my principles, my dreams, my youth, my heart, my future, MY DREAMS.

I’ve always dreamed of going to Spain, not really staying there for a long time but just enough time to meet fascinating people, see extravagant places and feel the invigorating culture. It seemed so far away, it seemed even impossible for me to realize this but I don’t want to believe on what seems now. I still want to feel that all this is possible. I want to move on with my life with the hope that I am heading towards a better future, a future with a happy heart.

I miss hearing my heart sing a happy song and as I go on with life, I just realize more and more each day that I do want someone to spend my days and my entire life with. At times, I feel like he is so far away, and fears that true love might come in late to change the song in my heart. But this is me so I need to be ideal and dreamy and hopelessly romantic. Because I have waited for so long and I know I am waiting for someone just about perfect for me. Really you are hearing that from me and that’s what I want to believe.

Believe that if I work harder on realizing what I want and have been dreaming of, it will come true. I am not wishing for the impossible, I am praying for what someone like me deserves most.

I don’t want wealth, I want contentment and comfort. I don’t need fame; I need self worth and confidence. I don’t ask for perfection, I ask for a well-balanced and happy life, life that I dream of, life that I am constantly working on to achieve.