Category: 2009


Loyalty to One’s Self

(written: Mar 5, 2010)

I know I should be thankful. But loyalty to self comes first. When there is no more space to grow and when you stop learning where else can you go? When you ran out of reasons to look forward to another day, do you stay just because there are no other options?

Life does not owe us anything. But if we work hard, pray hard and believe in the magic, the universe conspires to make you understand and to help you get back on track and bring hope so you can dream again.

We never run out of options. Sometimes we just close our eyes and stop looking. Opportunities, miracles and dream-come-true do not present themselves. We work for it-blood and sweat; we wish for it-heart and soul. They do not come to just anyone. They come to those who deserve.

Happy songs and wise mantra do not take out the aching feeling…the longing for that one great change and answers to your what if’s. If we don’t take a step forward, if we don’t start acting now, if we don’t try to love ourselves we’ll always end up lonely, discontented and mediocre.

Loyalty to self comes first. Loyalty to your own learning, happiness and growth. Life does not owe us anything and we don’t owe anything to life. Life just happens. It’s up to us to start living it the best way we can.

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(written: Dec 18, 2009)

I am not afraid of solitude, I treasure it. It gives us time to reflect, to know who we are and see if we still like the person we’re becoming. I am more afraid of emptiness, of not having something worthy to look back on, of the realization that the seeds you planted did not grow to become trees.

I am not afraid of failure. When someone wins, someone has got to lose. Stars don’t always have to shine in my sky. I am more afraid of mediocrity, of not building anything that I can be proud of and of settling to what’s given and easy.

I am not afraid of moving on. I dream about it everyday. I am more afraid of letting go, of ending things and leaving people. I am afraid of the moments that only turn into memories and not wanting to look back.

(written: Oct 8, 2009)

Should we be thankful when we cross dark alleys because it teaches us to see through the darkness and find our way back to the light?

Should we be thankful for the heavy rain because it teaches us how to survive in the cold and learn how to seek help from others?

Should we be thankful that we meet people who break our hearts because they help us become strong and eventually lead us to finding true love?

At what point are we allowed to vent, curse, and shout to the world that we are tired, that we are alone and our hearts are crushed, all together?

Does the world even allow us to feel this way? Can we have one moment of noise instead of silence to let everything out? Because you are just so tired of being silent and keeping it all inside for the longest time.

We were born free but at the same time brought up to think that we should think about other people’s welfare

…to think of others before yourself

…that sadness and happiness exist in the same world

…that we try to be noble every single day but the world is not always fair to us

 

How can we truly be free if it’s not always easy to follow one’s heart? If that is the answer to happiness and contentment then why do we try our very best to fight it every single time it gives us an answer?

Why do we think we need to suffer to realize that we are worthy of it.

I need a chance to shout. I need time to let it all out. I need my moment of noise. Now.

(written: Aug 18, 2009)

How do we break the monotony of life when this monotony defines how you survive each day? I always try to convince myself that starting the week with a smile and positive outlook will make everything alright. But every now and then, in this another monotonous day I still find myself dragging my two feet to the ‘start’ and hoping for the fastest possible conclusion of each day.

These two feet that used to dance in the rain and fight battles on the street. My feet that brought me to great places and allowed me to meet great people and made my younger years exciting, worthy, fun, colorful…

I hoped for the same future before and now hoping for a present like that or someday in this case.

(written: Aug 11, 2009)

How do you know when to stop?

When you start to realize he is becoming a regular part of your world? When thinking of him becomes a habit or more so a necessity, like brushing your teeth or going to work?

When you suddenly feel that you are already building a relationship with him in your head-not the intimate relationship you wanted or hoped for but that relationship of someone hoping to have a real relationship with a person but just until the point of hoping and she knows it.

It’s crazy. This is crazy…to have this world within my world, to have to live in this world and to want to live in this world because there is no pain yet. It’s crazy to enjoy the moments even though you know you never wanted those moments to be between you and him, to be happy seeing that smile, even though you don’t want to keep it yours forever, and to feel ecstatic that he exists in a world near yours.

I know it’s crazy, but is it also wrong? How do I stop? How do I know when to stop?

(written: Aug 9, 2009)

One look, one smile and one short moment of forever that was measured by the beating of your heart rather than the hands in the clock. You knew it meant nothing and you believed that it was nothing but can you blame your poor and foolish heart if in that moment it felt something more?

How do you know you’re wrong? And how do you know if you even want to know that you’re wrong?

Isn’t it wonderful to be lost in that moment just this once, to just believe and stop making sense of it, to forget your insecurity and your pride because all you want to care about is how good that smile felt?

I know it wasn’t real. But I want to keep that moment by how it felt and not by how my mind told me it really was.

(written:  Jul 28, 2009)

I miss you…or at least the feelings that come when I’m talking to you. I miss the fleeting moments, the limited amount of time that I felt myself smiling, when not only my lips smiled but even my heart.

When rainy days suddenly turned into glitterring moments of happiness, I hate that you made me felt that way, I hate that I miss those moments, I hate that I miss you.

(written: Jul 14, 2009)

I hope I never have to be lonely, or ever feel alone. How I wish friends, family and the ones who choose to sit beside us are enough to feel these empty days.

I wish I never have to long for that joy I used to know or feel and have, and look at myself waiting for the moment when you’ll finally decide to say hello.

I need some self respect. You didn’t do anything. I just think I value my pride too much and I can’t keep giving it up over and over again. Or else I’ll just lose my sense of self respect.

I owe myself this pride. Is it wrong to choose pride over small chances and moments of happiness? Tell me I didn’t give up something I should regret. Tell me it’s not wrong to choose to stay away while you still couldn’t hurt me as bad.

(written: Jul 10, 2009)

Direct questions deserve direct answers and I am proud of myself for stepping up and finally marking my ground. I was half expecting the answer because I don’t come unprepared into a battle.

I am proud of myself. I wasn’t cut in half or shattered into pieces, not even a scar, just a relief, just another wave of strength. I think that was what I needed to finally figure out what this is all about.

I am a thinking woman, but that doesn’t mean I won’t get my happy ending. I’ll get mine I’m sure, the kind that I deserve.

Let this be the day of enlightenment.

(written: Jul 5, 2009)

Finally for the nth time you told yourself that this time it’s over. You won’t waste another minute of your time in this chase.  You must really be lonely, to keep falling into this mess. And keep feeling bad in the end.

I don’t want it this way. I don’t want it leaving me weak, cheated and my values and principles compromised. I am too good for this and maybe you are too. And we shouldn’t be in this situation. I know I shouldn’t be in this situation. I won’t hold on if this makes me happy only half of the time and confused, angry and lonely for the rest.

Maybe it’s unfair to put this all on you. For the most part I think this is my fault for making this a big deal on my part. It shouldn’t be. I keep thinking if I’m really this lonely for making a big deal out of something that could possibly be just a normal thing for you.

I feel silly and I don’t like it. I don’t believe that love is only for fools. It should also be glowing and magical even for people like us who chose to think straight and talk sense out of themselves.

They said if you’re still thinking then maybe it isn’t love yet. I sure hope so. I don’t want this to be one. I don’t want to know that something that I’ve been waiting for so long is not as wonderful as Wonderful.