Category: Random thoughts


Total Eclipse of My Heart

Delusions, confusions, hesitations, frustrations…

Joy, doubt, pain, anger, apathy…

I am sick of my own false romanticism and I am sick of my own heart sometimes. I am tired of making sense of everything and more of thinking everything should not have to make sense.

Why do I have to paint a beautiful picture? Like it was some kind of epic love story that can be told through time. It is not. It never was.

There are no words left unspoken. If you didn’t say what I wanted to hear, it wasn’t because you were not brave enough. It was because you have nothing to say. There were no unrequited feelings because it was really just apathy from the start. There was nothing to give up and no one to let go. There was no us. You never really wanted me to be a part of your life from the start.

There was no tragedy, drama or heroic act. Just plain and simple truth–you did not have the same feelings and you are not the person my heart remembers.

This is much more comforting, less heart-breaking to realize. I’ll leave it all at that.

Currently Playing: The Story of Us (Taylor Swift)

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Stop and Stare

I was sitting there—in a room full of thousands of people, intoxicated with the music that surrounds me and all I can think about is you holding my hand while the perfect song talks about how we found each other.

Our similarities are comforting—how we like almost the same songs, same movies, same books and same people. Finding you is like finding a piece of me that I somehow lost in my journey. And finally being with you, here, by my side ends all the pain and exhaustion I’ve gone through life. You holding my hand this way, filling up the spaces between my fingers, feel like finally putting all the pieces together—a puzzle completed.

Our conversation proves a great friendship—the one where I can call you my comrade or my enemy. I like that when I fail to prove a point in a discussion I don’t feel defeated. I just feel understood. Like how a friend appreciates all sides of me. I like that I never have to win every argument—that’s what I do with most people, to prove that I am right. With you I just simply speak my mind, no fear of being right or wrong.

So how can you stand there, oblivious of everything? Or pretending not to know everything that existed between the two of us?

What would you do if I stand next to you?

Would you hold my hand, say that you missed me and assure me that today is the start of our great days together?

Currently playing: Stop and Stare (One Republic)

I would have loved you if you let me

if you weren’t too afraid of yourself or of happiness

if you were not too hesitant to let me know how you feel

 

I would have never let go of your hands

if you were not too quick to let go of mine

if you were not running away everytime I take a step closer

 

I would have never hidden you in prose and phrases

I would have shout your name to the world and how happy we would have become.

 

(my heart sorely misses you…)

The Grinch

It’s amazing how you turn all things bright and beautiful about my day into something old and decaying. You make me sick! But I’m glad I can manage my emotion better now. There’s so much that my boiling temper wants to say and do to you but I will not succumb. I will not stoop that low or bow down to the kind of game that you play.

How I long to let you know that you are the only reason I drag myself to work everyday. I dread feeling these worst feelings because I despise them and they tear down my heart. I do not want them to even exist in my system. I do not welcome the negativities you give me. I do not want them or you in my career.

But somehow I am thankful. I consider you as an accident that only made me stronger. Because of you I learned to ask for patience and humility. Because of you I learned to depend on God more, during those difficult times. Because of you I started despising hate in my system.

Stop.

Please this time, slow down.

Please this time, make him only a part of your happiness and not the only source.

Please this time, fall with wisdom and not just fall hard.

Please this time, pray and not just hope.

Please this time, love yourself while you love him.

Please this time, be right.

I have grown so weary so most of the time I am not even sure if I’m doing something wrong or doing things right. If I’m overdoing things or not doing enough. If I’m becoming needy or totally detached. I do not want to go crazy so I’ll just follow my instincts and pray to God that I’m doing the right thing and praying for the right one.

Thank you for the sweet smiles and butterflies! 🙂

Maybe

I guess waiting isn’t too painful once you’ve realized that you weren’t holding on to the real thing. Maybe it was just the idea of you being the person I wanted and needed you to be…for me. Maybe it was all false romanticism when I thought of your heart also trying to fight the same feelings I have (had?), that all the unspoken words were mine, that we were both just waiting for someone to confirm our understanding or maybe we were both waiting for ourselves to get over these feelings and finally understand that nothing was real.

(tears…)

What if reality hits you like this…what if fate is really something we should be fighting for, up to the very end…what if at the end of the day, the heart screams only for one…

Currently Playing: When You Know (Shawn Colvin)

 

Sometimes, we need a really huge brick to hit our heads to end our miserable misery. Thank you Joshua Harris for handing over one of the loveliest bricks that ever shook my head and brought me back to the real reality.

 First I want to say that I was not very perceptive of all the ideas in his first book (I Kissed Dating Goodbye) so I hesitated for years before I read this—the second book (Boy Meets Girl). Having read his first book during the time of my emerging feminist ideas, one can only expect a lot of arguments and resistance from my end. I even remember throwing out the book when he said women are tease and dressing inappropriately cause men to sin against God. And even today, it took a lot of thinking and rethinking to convince myself or half agree to some of his ideas.

 But most of them made sense in my current situation. It is a matter of putting things into perspective and looking at it from another point of view. They counseled me and have become the protector I needed when I admitted that I could not protect myself anymore. This book unfolded the phases I’ve been through and the acceptance of the sweet realization in the message.

She lifted her keys to the ignition, and then paused. There, alone in the silence, the emotions she had kept at bay during the day came rushing in. Tears welled up in her eyes. She leaned her forehead in the steering wheel and began to cry.

 “Why, Lord?” she whispered. “Why is this so hard? What am I supposed to do with these feelings? Take them away if they are not from You.”

 It hit me like a car crash. These are the same words I utter to God every day. And the more I turn the pages, the more I see myself in Shannon, in Joshua. I was so glad to know that someone else suffered involuntarily from these feelings or that my suffering was not a sign of weakness or foolishness but a sign of recklessly wanting something I could not even recognize.

I promised to wait. And I promised to wait patiently. But the first moment my heart recognized happiness, I’ve grown anxious of making it a part of my life. I was praying for it for so long that I imagined it to be His answer. Or maybe I wanted to force myself to believe even though my feelings inside caused too much confusion, pity, sadness and resentment.

Like Joshua, I went through the ‘I shouldn’t be distracted by this’ phase, then ‘I am distracted by this phase, and finally ‘I’m going to fight this’ phase. I spent an enormous amount of time writing stories about him and listening to songs that would sooth my heart, because I didn’t know any other way to fight, to forget or to heal. I was like a sleepless cat who couldn’t stand still. Who couldn’t decide if she really wanted to sleep and realize all of it was just a dream.

But I think when you’re tired and left with no answers, you start convincing yourself it was a dream. You stand tall and tell yourself you need to get over this phase and fight for sanity and regain wisdom because that is the only way to make all things right.

If all these feelings make me feel silly and reckless then I should turn away from them. Because I was assured by God and this book that the only way to fall is to fall with wisdom, with consciousness, with the heart and mind at one. I did not have to choose between them. I can think straight and still tolerate the beatings of my heart.

When I turned the last leaf of this book, I knew I’ve met the boy but I also knew I had to let go.

Because my heart and my whole life will only move forward with the Man—with a godly Man that God intended for me.

I am not sure when he will come, or if he knows I’m praying for him. But I do hope he’s praying for me too. I do hope to be in that restaurant one day, drinking coke while hearing you say these words.

I pray. I trust. I believe—that in God’s perfect time, every great thing will happen and our great love story will soon start.

I’ll end with my favorite quotes from the book mentioned in this book.

 “Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one’s life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one’s side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps . . . perhaps . . . love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.” ― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea

please guard my heart

I barely slept last night…I could not remember not thinking…my heart beat so fast like I was in some kind of horror movie—scared and all I wanted was to run away as fast as I could.

I clasped my pillow tight, hoping that pressing it against my chest will give comfort and will stop my heart from beating too fast. I could not breathe—I wanted to scream or cry…or run—anything just to help me get over this phase.

I did not want to think that I am hurting because I wanted to convince myself that everything was nothing but illusions from my part. Because that’s what my mind tells me. And I wanted to think that my mind is right. But whenever you cross my mind—every minute of every day my heart starts feeling heavy, like it’s going to burst from too much sadness and happiness, things I could not explain or rationalize, that it makes me feel crazy, crushed, silly, happy, all together.

I wanted to cry just to let everything out. But I don’t want to give you the right to make me cry. You are not the reason. You can never be the reason.

I am the only reason for these feelings. I am the culprit because I let my heart take everything that the moments presented. I allowed a part of me to believe from time to time that the feelings were mutual.

Every second I spend trying to know just keeps me from letting go—despite your apathy, distance and inconsistencies.

I am so tired. My heart is so tired from guessing. And God knows how I struggle everyday trying to fight all these feelings.

Oh dear God…how can I be so stubborn. How can I claim feelings that were not meant for me? How can this heart be so recklessly pursuant of something I’m not even sure existed? And why am I hesitating to let go.

Dear God, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry if I didn’t hear You when You told me this is not the right time, and this might not be the right person. Sorry I wanted it too bad that I forgot that I promised I’ll be patient while waiting for Your answer to my prayer. I’m sorry I hurt myself for being so reckless.

Today, I pray again to You. Please guard my heart.

you lost me but not my heart.

my heart stays with you.

up to this day.

at this very moment.

as long as it beats this way–

 

happily crying for each day that passes without a single answer

sincerely hoping tomorrow you’ll wake up and find the courage to decide

desperately praying to end this game unscarred

 

you lost me but not my heart.

because my heart doesn’t know how to despise or give up.

my heart is strong and brave, while I

can only stay honest and reasonable for now.

 

i want you to understand

although there’s no way to make you…

that i don’t despise you for anything that you are

i despise this game

 

i hate subjecting myself to this kind of torture

i hate incessantly waiting for you every second of every day

i hate feeling these feelings are mutual and i hate realizing they are not.

i am not a fool nor is my heart.

don’t make me feel this way.

don’t make me hope anymore.

don’t make my heart beat this way for long.

 

i don’t want to think that you hurt me or that I hurt you

i’d like to believe that whatever could have been is everything wonderful for the both of us

i’d like to remember you as someone who weirdly makes me smile during unexpected moments

every vein in my heart is screaming to give this a second chance or wait a little bit more or claim that i am indeed ‘her’

 

but i’m tired.

i am not this woman.

i deserve to know.

i deserve honesty.

i deserve someone who would not despise his feelings for me.